Our Revolving Door and Why We Love It

My friends and family often comment on the amount of guests we have coming through our doors. I often hear, "How do you do it?" So I've been reflecting on it lately and asking myself this same question. How do I do it? Why does it always seem like so much work to everyone outside of our house but yet I don't feel overwhelmed by it? Since Teyah was born, less than 3 months ago, we've had a friend/intern from France stay for a week, a friend from Abbotsford stay for a week, my parents stayed for 2 weeks, and PeaceChurch friends (Fread, Reg, Kathleen) staying countless nights in between or even at the same time as other guests (luckily we have a comfy couch!). And this only includes night guests..... PeaceChurch gathers in our home every Wednesday and one Saturday a month and all kinds of friends are visiting throughout the week on top of that. Sounds tiring, right? But you know what.... it's not! Here's why....

1. Our friends are helpful. Its often actually less work to have friends over because they entertain the kids, do dishes and clean up after themselves. We may not have a dishwasher, but we have countless "dishwashers" who love us and enjoy helping out.  After a PeaceChurch gathering there are always volunteers to clean up, or else they just play the Filipino version of "rock paper scissors" and the job gets done :)

2. I'm an extrovert. Actually, our whole family is. We're not the kind of people who need a lot of quiet  time by ourselves and for the most part, we are energized being around friends. The boys absolutely love the many friends who fill our home and Teyah is already full of smiles for any face that greets her.

3. We make family time a priority. While we often have an extra "family member" with us, we also carve out time to be just the 5 of us and always make it special. We love to have extra guests, but sometimes it is important to be just "us" and we make sure that happens one night a week and we do something fun on the weekend too.

4. Sometimes I do say no. I have also learned that when I/we need our space, its okay to say no to guests. I never used to feel capable of doing this, but since trying out the "no, sorry" to guests a couple times now, I have felt confident in my decision and guess what? People respect it and we haven't lost any friends :) And sometimes just going to my room to nurse Teyah when the house is full gives me the rest I need by myself.

5. Sam is amazing. Ever since Teyah was born, our dear friend and helper, Sam, started working 4 days a week for us (used to be 2 days) and let me tell you, it is wonderful. The cooking, baking (I've taught her well!) cleaning and childcare she fills her days here with is a lifesaver. Because of her, I can host without breaking my back, spend more quality time with the kids, go on dates with Darnell, have some time to myself (like right now I'm writing this in a coffee shop with Teyah sleeping in her stroller beside me and the boys are at home baking cookies with her) and have a clean house. We are incredibly thankful for her.

5. Its what we're called to. Darnell and I (and the kids) are church planters. We have the personality for this, the calling from God for this, and the heart for this. So we open our home, again and again, to the variety of people who we call family. And we do it with arms open wide, embracing these people in the love Christ shows us with hearts full of thankfulness for the ability to extend our home, our food and our joy to those we meet.

So there it is..... why we love it and why we do it. It feels good to reflect on this and it renews my heart and energy to give, serve, and bake cookies for friends who call our house a second home..... you are welcome to visit anytime :)

Teyah Malaya Barkman

On September 5th, 2014, we welcomed our little girl, Teyah, into our family. At 9lbs 14oz, our chubby-cheeked blessing arrived early in the morning, the day after her due date.

I had worried about what I'd do if I was by myself with the kids and Darnell were on the other side of the city (quite easily a 2+ hour commute!) when I went into labour, but of course, we were in bed and our dear friend Reg was sleeping in the spare room so we didn't even have to call for our helper, Sam, to come in the middle of the night and we weren't faced with an hour of traffic either. Sometimes things just work out right :)

I had contractions for most the night but didn't wake Darnell until 3:30am and we left the house soon after. Teyah was born at 7:22am so despite being only 5cm dilated when we arrived at the hospital, she came pretty quick. This was my first delivery with an epidural/anesthesia so it was completely different. Makai's delivery was so painful that I had nightmares about it after. This time I decided to go the pain-free route and while it was kind of surreal to push a baby out without screaming, crying and sweating, it was sure nice to skip the pain! I had delivered 2 babies with no drugs and had nothing to prove anymore :) Darnell was sitting there kind of dumb-stuck when I calmly told him that I was having another contraction and felt like I had to push. What a different experience!

Teyah has been a wonderful baby so far and is doing really well. She feeds really quickly and is already going longer stretches between feeds at night. She's recently started the evening fussies so we've been rocking a little screamer after the boys go to bed and going to bed ourselves a little later than we'd like. But it has really been a good transition into three kids and the boys have been great. Cody loves holding her or lying down beside her and letting her "kick" him. Makai is also very gentle with her- yesterday I found him talking to her sweetly while driving his cars around her and piling them up at her feet. I am so thankful that the boys play well together (for the most part!) and at this stage, Teyah just sleeps a lot so she gives me lots of time to still be with her brothers.

I should tell you all about her name too. Her first name is after my Oma's best friend who looked after my Dad in Germany when he was small. Her name was Dorothea, but in German its pronounced Do-ro-tey-ah and she was called Tante Thea ("Tante" is German for Aunt). Darnell's grandmother (his Mom's mom) was also named Dorothea. I have always liked the name Teyah and we knew we would use it for a girl even before Cody was born. But we also wanted it to be spelt phoneitcally and not be pronounced with a "th" so the spelling is original. We couldn't decide on a middle name until a few weeks before Teyah's birth when we were asking our friend Reg about meaningful Tagalog words that would sound good as a middle name. Words like faith, hope or peace certainly didn't sound right.... pananampalataya, umaasa, kapayapaan.... not quite what we're looking for :) I asked Reg, "What about Malaya? What does that mean?" She told us that Malaya (pronounced Ma-lie-a) means free or liberation and is a deep Tagalog word. We thought it was perfect.... sounds pretty and has a good meaning! So that's the story of Teyah's name.

Thank you all for the love and prayers sent our way during this last month. We are so thankful for our family and friends both near and far.

Much love, from the five of us :)

Highlights from a month in Canada!

Its already been a month since we arrived back in Manila after a wonderful time in Canada. I started this post several weeks ago but figured I might as well still post it :)

Here's some highlights from our trip….

Spending time at my parents cabin on the lake. Cody and Makai loved throwing rocks in the lake and appreciated the fact that there were no guards there telling them its not allowed! It was nice and cold at the cabin, perfect for warming up by the fire in the evening to roast marshmallows. The boys also loved riding the ATVs and boating.

Cousin time! The boys LOVED playing with their cousins and especially loved all the fun things they could do at my sister’s house.

Going to the Mennonite Church Canada Assembly in Winnipeg. It was so great to connect with a lot of friends and also cousins.

Visiting with Opa.... my dear 99-year-old grandfather.

Speaking at three different churches and visiting with wonderful congregations that love and support us.

Staying at our house for a week! We housesat while our renters/good friends were on holiday. It was such a highlight to enjoy our forested backyard, the new playground down the street, and the quiet walks. These are the things we miss most when stuck in a crazy busy cement city of 12 million people!

Cody learning to ride a bike. He's now zipping around the paths in our complex with all the big kids.... and loving it!

Spending time with friends. We are so thankful for such great friends at home and also for our Missionary Support Team.... we'd be lost without them!

We are so thankful for this visit home. It helps us feel connected to so many people we love and it gives us rest to be away from living cross-cultural in a cement jungle. Its amazing how much you can appreciate parks, mountains, fresh air and quiet streets when it no longer surrounds you.

We've been busy with PeaceChurch this last month and have enjoyed meeting with them again and making plans. We will be starting to really develop an Anabaptist Network this year, as our good friend and PeaceChurch member, Jon Soriano, has agreed to head this up. We're excited for how this will take shape and the impact it will have on our wider church body in the Philippines!

Now its only 2 weeks away from our little girl's due date and we are ready to welcome her into this world! This phase is a little nerve-wracking, knowing that any minute now I could go into labour! My next post will be full of pictures of her, I'm sure :) It's also two weeks until Cody's 4th birthday..... September 4th could be a very well-celebrated day for our family!!

Upcoming Plans

We have our flights booked and are arriving in Vancouver June 18th for a month-long visit! We are really excited to be able to see our family and friends again this summer and spend some time in a place we love and miss. Thanks to our parents' generosity, we don't have to wait 3 years, but get to come home every summer (so far).... what an amazing gift!

And a whole week at the cabin with this as my front yard? Yes, please!!!!!

While we're in Canada this summer, we'll be flying to Winnipeg (leaving the boys in BC with grandparents) for the Mennonite Church Canada Assembly. We're looking forward to this event where we'll get to learn from and dialogue with Mennonites from across Canada. We'll also be sharing at three different churches on Sunday mornings (June 29th at Eden Mennonite in Chilliwack, July 13th at Emmanuel Mennonite in Abbotsford and July 20th at Peace Mennonite in Richmond).

Other summer plans include a week at my family's cabin and a week staying at our house while our dear friends/renters are out of town.... we get to "housesit" our own house :)

Many of you have been asking where the baby will be born. While we'd love to be home with family to have this dear little one, it would mean being in Canada 6 weeks before the baby is born and probably 6 weeks after also.... this is just too long to be away from our work and seeing as the medical care we receive in Manila is just fine, we'll be coming back to the Philippines in July and then baby is due to arrive in September. 

My pregnancy is going very well and baby is doing great and is super active.  I am really looking forward to cooler weather at home though, as its the hottest time of the year here right now and its horribly uncomfortable to be outside in the humidity, especially when I already have my own personal heater in my belly:)  I finally checked the weather network to see how hot it really is here and it said 37C but feels like 56C! Is that even possible?!?!? Even during an early morning walk or an evening stroll we come home a sweaty mess! Oh how I look forward to cool June evenings at the cabin and getting cozy around the campfire with a hoodie on.

We have been enjoying our work here a lot and love our Peace Church community that we gather with on Wednesday nights. We've been busy with different projects and activities... I really need to write more blogs about all the different things we're doing!! We've also had lots of house guests lately, which is always a huge blessing. Our dear sister, Reg has been living with us for over a month, our friend and language tutor, Fread stays about 2 nights a week and we've had several North American guests passing through Manila in the last 2 months and spending a night or two in our guest room/office. Our doors are open, as always, and we love the many ways all these guests add to our family. We do usually have a day a week just as a family, which is also important. But when Cody asks if we can do something fun as a family, the list of people he says will be there always includes a few more than the four of us :)

I will leave you with a photo of two special boys. I'm sure most of you have seen this photo on Facebook, but its just too cute not to share again!

thanks to Marc at banyenfamilyphotos.com for this shot

Birthdays!

Last week we had a great little pool party for Makai's 2nd birthday. After some fun in the pool under the hot sun, we had lunch and cake at our place with dear friends. It was so fun to celebrate Makai.... I just can't get enough of the cute conversations we have now, his rough and tumbly cuddles and his super giggly little personality. What a joy this little curly-haired silly boy is!

On his actual birthday, Makai woke up to a new marble racer game. He loves it!

And then we took him to Active Fun to run around, jump and throw balls with his kuya.

And a family lunch....

That evening, a friend from Peace Mennonite Church, Len Block, came for the night (and brought gifts from Gramma and Grandpa!) before his flight to Davao to meet with Peacebuilders Community, so we had him and Kuya Dann for dinner along with Reg (who's actually living with us now) and Fread (who lives with us half the week). Too bad I didn't take any photos.

Six days after Makai's birthday, it was time to celebrate me :) We had a fun pancake breakfast, lunch at PF Chang's and Peace Church in the evening. 

Darnell had a special sharing about hospitality and how central building community around "the table" is for Christ followers (Jesus spent 25% on his time eating with friends!). The theme of the evening was thankfulness and appreciation for the time and energy I put into feeding everyone (healthy) meals all the time and in so doing, creating an opportunity to share life together. I was touched by the affirmation of what sometimes feels to me like an insignificant ministry. We also had some good laughs about my (rather strict!) no cell phone rule at the table (I love that people affirm it though!!) and I felt blessed hearing how much our friends appreciate the way we include them in our regular family meals, a daily ritual that many in our circle have never experienced before. 

It has been a great week of celebrating! Thank you all for the warm wishes from near and far. 

Baby Barkman #3

We are excited to announce that our family is growing! The little one's due date is September 4th, Cody's 4th birthday :)

And as you can see, the baby bump has already arrived :) This was taken in Bali, on a wonderful holiday we took last week with Darnell's brother Tyson, and his lovely girlfriend, Kim.

Here's a few photos from our trip (for those of you who don't do Facebook!)....

trying kape luwak (aka cat poo coffee) and other yummy native drinks

brothers and brothers at Monkey Forrest

he loves the beach!

at Uluwatu Temple

relaxing day at the beach.

Peace and Reconciliation Weekend Training

Peace Church spent the last weekend of January at a retreat centre for 3 days where we participated in Peacebuilders Community's (another ministry of Mennonite Church Canada) Peace and Reconciliation Trainer's Training. Kriz Cruzado, a dear friend of ours from Davao, came for the weekend to teach our eager group of Peace Church members- pastors, NGO workers, community organizers, and training specialists.... we have an all-star team, really :)  We had a very fun time together over the weekend at a beautiful (and very affordable!) location. Kriz kept us engaged and excited about the material all day Friday and Saturday and then on Sunday we had a very meaningful time of worship together, with extra family members and friends joining us. We are SO very thankful for this amazing community and look forward to implementing some of the exciting ideas we have in spreading Peace and Reconciliation in this beautiful land!

6 Reasons Why I'm Not Okay With Toy Guns

A couple months ago when we were on a long road trip through Northern Philippines, Darnell and I were shocked and saddened by the many children we saw on the streets playing with toy guns (or sticks as guns). We even saw a young boy line his friends up and start “firing.” We’ve also seen at least five different children in the last few months bring toy guns to the playground in our apartment complex. We are sad to see our boys exposed to so much violent play. Everyday we see young children, even toddlers, playing shooting, fighting and killing games on ipads and smart phones. I feel like monitoring my boys at the playground has shifted from making sure they don’t fall off the monkey bars to keeping them away from other kids’ toy guns and war video games.

Photo taken at Pinto Art Gallery. Painting by Filipino artist, Neil Manalo.

I know kids play violently in Canada too, but I also know that if we were back at home, my boys would not have been exposed to it nearly this much. It is not socially acceptable to bring toy guns to playgrounds at home and many cities and municipalities even have bylaws banning toy guns from public spaces. This is certainly not the case in the Philippines. Real guns here are also very common- we walk by police officers holding their big rifles with their hand on the trigger everyday. The cops smile and laugh and chat in their friendly Filipino way, with a big gun in their hand. We even saw someone buy a real gun last month at the market. The stand had toy guns, but we saw a quick sneaky transaction take place, right in front of us, with a young man pocketing a real gun and walking away with it. Growing up in Canada where gun laws are strict, I feel so uncomfortable around so many guns.

So why am I not okay with kids playing with violent toys or video games? Perhaps many parents will disagree with me, but I just want to offer my personal views.

1. I want my kids to show love. We teach them everyday how to act in a way that is loving. Even if someone hurt them and they are angry, we still need to respond in love. As followers of Jesus, we want to follow His way- a radical, third option way where we don’t respond to hate with hate or violence with violence, nor are we passive, but we actively show love and find creative ways to end cycles of violence. When kids play with guns, they are pretending to shoot, hurt and kill. This type of play does not help them to act in love to all people. 
2. I want my kids to practice forgiveness. Not only do we teach our kids to say sorry for hurt they cause others, but we also teach them to forgive others who have hurt them. This means not seeking revenge or holding onto bitterness, but choosing to embrace the person who hurt you and showing them a Jesus-type of love, which overcomes evil. Violent play is about having more power over another person but Jesus' way of forgiveness teaches us to seek reconciliation and serve the wrong-doer. 
3. War is not a game. When I taught High School in Canada, many of my students played Call of Duty, and other killing games. They became desensitized to the violence and didn’t see it as reality. For me, the reality of war is vivid. We've lived in Mindanao and have seen, firsthand, the effects of war- children born in IDP (Internally Displaced People) camps, families without homes, brothers and dads killed in battle and even children tragically killed but "justified" as collateral damage.  We’ve been a couple kilometres from armed conflict and driven by endless tanks and under countless helicopters. We’ve seen the smoke of the bombs in the distance. Its brutally real to us and isn’t something we'd want to “make-believe” for fun. 
4. My grandfather is a WWII veteran and a pacifist. He was a Captain in the German Army and fought on all the major fronts, killing many and commanding others to kill many. If you hear his story or read his book, it easily becomes difficult to be okay with war as a game. The reality for him was nothing short of hell. My grandfather reflected on his participation in war in the years following WWII and found forgiveness at the foot of the cross. His choice to follow Jesus’ way of peace and share his horrific stories about the realities of war has had a huge impact on my life and many others. How can I let my kids pretend to shoot when my biggest role model lived the realities of war? It’s not a game I want to re-enact. 
5. Kids can be violent. We all have violent tendencies and my young boys certainly have a tendency to act out in violence when they are angry. But using violence to solve problems doesn’t solve problems but only contributes to a cycle of violence. Violence begets more violence. If I don’t want my kids hit when they are mad at someone, then I don’t want them to “pretend” that way either. The natural tendencies to act in violence should not be encouraged, but we should try to foster a culture of peace and teach our children how to respond in love.
6. There are no “good guys” and “bad guys.” Playing with guns or violent video games always seems to come with a “good guy” versus “bad guy” type of play, supporting a myth that I certainly don’t believe. This is a common, long-held idea that the United States (and other countries) has often successfully perpetrated, leading many to believe that the US Army is the global “good guy” fighting the “bad guys” to protect their “freedom and democracy.” Honestly, I think that’s a load of crap. The main motive to fight a war seems to be all about economic gains (read “Shock Doctrine” by Naomi Klein) and the United States is no more the “good guy” than the countries they invade. On an individual scale, I believe all people are born with the ability to act out of love or act out of hate and as much as possible, we all need to choose to love. Our actions might be “good” or “bad” but concluding that a human being is “good” or “bad” dehumanizes them. I don’t want “good guy” vs. “bad guy” play to affect my kids' perception of the world. I want them to see the “good” in everyone and show love even to those who are acting “bad.”

Living cross-culturally is often difficult. While we love the Philippines and the beautiful people that make up this culture, as followers of Jesus, we also want to (respectfully) foster a new culture- a culture of peace. We want to do this in Canada too, and globally. Often the way of Jesus goes against cultural norms, and that can be unsettling and uncomfortable. But Jesus’ way is not always easy- it calls us to challenge the powers of this world and live an upside down way of love, where we serve even our enemies, rather than fight for power over them. I understand that playing guns won’t necessarily cause my children to use violence as they grow up, but it certainly doesn’t teach them anything about love and forgiveness. For us, teaching our kids this radical Jesus-way means teaching them to show love in all situations and not to act in violence.